Words...5 years...

It is so hard to put into words how I am feeling not only today but this week in general.

I look back on this day 5 years ago and I would have never thought that my day at work on a Thursday would have ended the way it did.

Just the day before, I got an 'out of the blue' call from my Dad asking to come to Birmingham to have dinner with Tyler, Alexis and I when we were off that afternoon.

I had plans that night, but because something was just telling me to....I cancelled those plans and met Mom, Dad and Andrew to eat at Dad's favorite food place...Mexican.

Little did I know that the meal we had together would be our last....little did I know that the hug and 'I love you' would be the last.

Never did I think I would never see him again after that night.

 It is hard to imagine why God would take my Dad so 'early' as he did. It is hard to imagine why God would want to 'ruin' mine and Tyler's 5 year anniversary {that we had a lot of fun things planned to celebrate the next day together}

But....{and I guess it has taken me 5 years to see this} it really is in God's timing. God knew it was my Dad's time to go. It will never be on 'our' time because face it....nobody ever wants someone they love to ever die. It will never be 'our' time.

 It was like God knew what he was doing because looking back everything 'fell' into place, I feel like.

For example, God let us have that great last memory with him. I cherish that memory of him and can still to this day picture his face sitting across that table from me! Because it was our anniversary, Alexis was safe and secure with Nan and Pawpaw {and already had her bags packed and with them} so I {and my Mom} knew she was being taken care of during the difficult time we were facing and I didnt have to worry about her.

My Mom had Lana and Pam with her when it all happened because they just so decided to have a 'girls' day and do some shopping. So that helped that they were already there with her.

And, again...now seeing this 5 years later. I dont see God wanting to 'ruin' mine and Tyler's anniversary. I see it now that it was like my Dad saying. 'Dont have a horrible day and cry and be sad over me being gone, focus on your anniversary and be happy and have fun with Tyler and dont be sad over me.'

My Dad never wanted attention drawn to him.

'Trust in His timing, Rely on His promises, Wait for His answers, Believe in His miracles, Rejoice in His goodness, Relax in His presence.' James 4:8.

I will forever have a hard week/day when it comes to my Dad's anniversary. Just as I am typing this post, I am tearing up.

I still can not go to his grave. I dont know why...or what it is, but the times I have tried to go, I just cant. I start to get sick at my stomach and dizzy and I just have to go back to the car. Just a couple of weeks ago I had a complete breakdown {like sobbing crying where I couldnt catch my breath crying} just by watching a stupid TV show called Marriage Boot Camp. Really!?!?! Yes, ask Tyler. Just a part in that crazy show made me think about how hard it was loosing him and I just broke down.

It will always be tough because I miss him everyday.

But, I know that he is smiling down on me and I find strong comfort in knowing that when I look up and smile that he sees it. I feel him sometimes and get goosebumps on really beautiful sunny days because I feel like his hugs are still with me.

It does help that I can focus my attention on celebrating and being with Tyler for our anniversary. Just tomorrow...we will be married 10 years! We have been through ups and downs and have had alot of great memories and times during our 10 years and to focus on knowing that helps take my mind off of being sad about Dad.

So, though it is hard, I know that God's plan and timing is greater than mine and I trust in his plan because I can not see the big 'puzzle' of life. I just have to have faith in Him and know that everything happens for a reason and what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

I love and miss you Dad and to think it has been 5 years. Where has the time gone!.....